You Can’t Think Yourself Out of a Spiral—Here’s What to Do Instead

We’ve all been there—mentally preparing ourselves for a situation we know might be stressful, reminding ourselves that we’ll handle it differently this time. We map out the scenario in our heads, reassuring ourselves:

I won’t overreact. I won’t freeze. I won’t spiral.

This can especially happen when we're interacting with our teens, who's emotions can often seem volatile and unpredictable. We know they're going to be like this, and yet, as soon as they seem to give an attitude or do something, let's say... less than fully thought out, something triggers and we snap. We yell, we punish, we desperately try to regain control over the situation—and only later, in a quiet moment, do we pause to think, "why did I do that?"

Why does this happen? We can see it coming, we understand our triggers, and we know it’s not that big of a deal… why can’t we just think our way back to calm in the moment?

Because the part of your brain that’s panicking doesn’t speak logic—it speaks survival.

Your Nervous System Runs the Show

At the center of this response is our limbic system, the part of our brains responsible for processing emotions and initiating the fight-flight-freeze-fawn response. The limbic system reacts faster than your prefrontal cortex (the rational, problem-solving part of the brain), which means that by the time your conscious mind tries to jump in with those planned reassurances, the train is already off the tracks–your body is flooded with stress hormones, and the logical voice in your head gets drowned out by fear.

That's why you can "know" you’re safe but still feel like you’re in danger, and why it's such a common experience to understand logically that a situation isn’t actually a threat, but still experience a full-body stress response. If your nervous system is dysregulated, no amount of reasoning will override the survival instinct that has already kicked in–it's just too strong to overcome.

So, what can you do instead?

During the Spiral

When you’re already in a stress response, trying to rationalize your way out of it often doesn’t work. Instead of fighting against your nervous system, work with it by focusing on something you can do right now to move the energy and signal safety to your brain with these 5 steps:

1. Name What’s Happening

Instead of trying to force yourself to “calm down,” acknowledge what’s going on. Naming the response helps reengage the prefrontal cortex (logic brain), which can gently nudge you out of survival mode.

Try saying:

“This is my nervous system reacting, not reality.”
“My body thinks I’m in danger, but I’m not.”
“I’ve felt this before, and I’ve come through it.”

2. Drop Into Your Body

Your body is where the dysregulation is happening, so that’s where you need to bring your attention.

Ground yourself by:

Feeling into your feet on the ground. Press them into the floor and notice the sensation of weight.
Engaging your senses by looking around and naming what you see, hear, touch, smell, or even taste.
Noticing any tension in the body—tight muscles signal to your brain that danger is present.
Bring your immediate awareness to the places that are most tense: shoulders/neck, jaw, belly, etc. This is where you will send your breath in the next step.

3. Breathe to Downshift

Your breath is a direct line to your nervous system. The key is to slow the exhale, which signals safety. Try:

Inhale for 4 seconds, exhale for 6-8 seconds.
Silent sigh – Take a slow inhale, then release the exhale with slightly pursed lips, letting the air flow out smoothly.
Subtle throat vibration – Gently constrict your throat on the exhale (like you would when whispering or saying "hmm" under your breath).
Engage your tongue – Lightly press your tongue against the roof of your mouth while breathing slowly through your nose.

4. Step Away to Reset (if you can)

Sometimes we find ourselves in public during a spiral. The best thing you can do in the moment is to remove yourself—even briefly—from the environment that’s triggering your nervous system. If possible, find a semi-private space like a bathroom, a quiet hallway, or step outside for a moment. This gives you a chance to discharge built-up energy in ways that might not feel as subtle in public. Try one (or a combination) of these:

Shake it out – Stand with your feet hip-width apart and shake out your hands, arms, legs, and shoulders for 30-60 seconds. This helps release tension and “reset” your system.
Press and release – Press your hands firmly against a wall or push against a countertop for a few deep breaths, then release. This provides sensory input that signals safety.
Power exhales – Take a deep inhale and exhale forcefully through your mouth (like a sharp sigh or whispered “ha”). Repeat 3-5 times.
Rock or sway – If sitting, gently rock forward and backward or side to side. If standing, shift your weight from one foot to the other in a slow, intentional rhythm.
Progressive tension release – Clench your fists, hold for a few seconds, then release. Try this with your shoulders, legs, or jaw to offload stored stress.

Taking even 30 seconds to reset before returning to a stressful situation can make a huge difference. Think of it as a micro nervous system reset—stepping out to regulate rather than forcing yourself to push through dysregulation.

Slow Down the Spiral: The Root of the Problem

While the above can be helpful in an emergency, real regulation starts long before we’re in the heat of the moment. Ideally, we don't want to have to manage the triggers as they come up—we want to prevent them from happening in the first place. By learning how to engage with the habitual tension we're holding in our bodies, and the big emotions that come with it, in a safe space before the triggering event catches us off guard, we can better prepare ourselves to respond, rather than react, when life hits us with curveballs.

By building a routine of small, daily regulation practices, like breathwork, gentle exercise, journaling, and sensory/somatic practices, you'll make it easier to access calm when you need it most.

Final Thoughts

You can’t always stop your limbic system from over-reacting—but you can take pre-planned steps to recover faster. Instead of trying to argue your way out of a dysregulated state, work with your body to create safety. Over time, you’ll start catching yourself before the spiral takes over.

So the next time you feel that familiar stress response creeping in, instead of saying, “I thought I was past this”—try, "Where am I feeling this right now?”

That shift alone can make a world of difference.