Why Sorting Your 'Life Tasks' Might be the Best Thing You Can Do for Your Child (and Your Sanity)

Parenting comes with countless challenges, but one of the most common struggles is knowing when to step in and when to let go. Alfred Adler, a pioneering psychologist of the early 1900's, coined the idea of the separation of "life tasks", wherein we each have our own responsibilities, or tasks, in life which we must sort out and accomplish ourselves in order to become fulfilled as individuals.

This concept offers a valuable framework for understanding personal boundaries—for ourselves, and with our children. By applying this principle, parents can foster healthy independence, encourage responsibility, and reduce power struggles at home. In this article, we'll explore Adler’s ideas and how they can lead to a healthier, more harmonious parent-child relationship.

Who Was Alfred Adler & What Is His Philosophy?

Alfred Adler was an Austrian psychiatrist and one of the most influential figures in modern psychology. He believed that humans are social beings driven by a desire for belonging and contribution. Unlike Freud, who emphasized past trauma, Adler focused on personal responsibility, encouragement, and the power of choice in shaping our lives.

His concept of "individual psychology" highlights that each person has their own unique perspective and goals. Understanding this can help parents respect their child’s autonomy while still offering guidance and support.

What Is the "Separation of Life Tasks"?

Adler identified three primary life tasks that each person must manage independently:

Work – Developing skills and contributing to society.
Love – Forming meaningful relationships.
Social Relationships – Navigating friendships and community roles.

The key insight from Adlerian psychology is that each individual is responsible for their own tasks—and problems arise when we try to take over tasks that aren’t ours.

In parenting, this means recognizing which responsibilities belong to you and which belong to your child. For example:

Your task: Providing guidance, setting expectations, and modeling values.
Your child’s task: Completing homework, managing friendships, and handling emotions.

This may seem a bit callous to some, but it's about finding the line between helping and over-stepping. When parents take over their child’s tasks—such as solving social problems or forcing academic success—it often creates dependence, anxiety, or conflict.

Setting Healthy Boundaries in Parenting

Applying "separation of life tasks" in parenting means setting clear boundaries between what you are responsible for and what belongs to your child. Here’s how:

Let go of control where possible. Give your child the space to make decisions and learn from their experiences.
Offer support, not solutions. If your child struggles with schoolwork or friendships, guide them—but let them take ownership.
Respect their emotions without taking responsibility for them. Instead of fixing their feelings, acknowledge them: "I see you're frustrated. How do you want to handle this?"

This approach teaches children responsibility, resilience, and problem-solving skills while reducing unnecessary stress on parents.

Encouragement Over Control

Adler believed that encouragement is the foundation of healthy development. Instead of using punishment or coercion, parents should focus on empowering their children.

Praise effort, not outcomes. Instead of saying, "You're so smart," try, "I saw how hard you worked on that project!"
Validate their feelings and experiences. Even when you don’t agree, acknowledging their perspective builds trust.
Model self-reliance and confidence. Kids learn more from what you do than what you say.

Encouragement helps children develop intrinsic motivation—the drive to succeed for their own satisfaction rather than for external approval.

Teaching Responsibility Without Micromanaging

One of the hardest parts of parenting is knowing when to step back. Here’s how to foster responsibility without hovering:

Allow natural consequences. If a child forgets their homework, let them face the teacher’s response rather than rescuing them.
Give choices instead of demands. Instead of saying, "Do your homework now," ask, "Do you want to do homework before or after dinner?"
Trust their ability to solve problems. Offer guidance when needed, but don’t take over.

When kids feel ownership over their responsibilities, they develop confidence and independence.

Navigating Conflict With Teenagers

Teen years often bring power struggles, but understanding "separation of life tasks" can reduce unnecessary tension.

Pick your battles. Not everything is your task—messy rooms or changing interests may not be worth the fight.
Use empathy instead of control. If your teen is struggling with friendships, resist the urge to intervene. Instead, ask, "What do you think would help?"
Allow space for independence. Teens need room to make mistakes and grow—trust them to learn from their experiences.

The Long-Term Benefits of This Approach

When parents embrace Adler’s "separation of life tasks," they:

✅ Reduce stress and frustration.

✅ Strengthen their relationship with their child.

✅ Raise independent, confident, and self-reliant individuals.

By respecting your child’s responsibilities while staying present as a guide, you create an environment of trust, growth, and mutual respect.

Conclusion

Applying Alfred Adler’s "separation of life tasks" to parenting isn’t about disengaging from our children—it’s about empowering them. By allowing your child to take ownership of their responsibilities while providing encouragement and support, you help them grow into capable, self-sufficient individuals.

Parenting becomes much easier when we recognize that our job isn’t to control every outcome—but to guide, support, and trust the process.